Why We Broke Up By Daniel Handler

By Daniel Handler
By Daniel Handler

1. And the truth is that I goddamn loved you so much.

2. What I wanted is what I got.

3. I was too jitterbuggy happy to sleep, and the whole day kept playing in my brain’s little screening room.

4. How much goddamn everything goddamn cost and how much goddamn money we didn’t have on our goddamn selves.

5. I want what can’t possibly happen.

6. Stop saying no offense when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.

7. You’re smart, you talk smart. I’ve never heard it before. It’s like a new– like for instance a spicy food or something.

8. There were a million things, everything, I didn’t know I was stupid- the official descriptive phrase for happy.

9. What could I do with my stupid self and the thrill of “see you Monday.”

10. I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did. But that’s why right there it was doomed. We couldn’t only have the magic nights buzzing through the wires. We had to have the days, too, the bright impatient days spoiling everything with their unavoidable schedules…

11. Wherever it’s good, whatever strange faraway land, let’s go there, let’s stay in that place alone.

12. Either you have the feeling or you don’t.

13. I had to stay and stayed, knowing, understanding, liking none of it.

14. I mean, who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn’t know how things played out.

15. Now, of course I see it differently, that it was not Fate but Fatal.

16. I’m freaking out that I’m not freaking out.

17. And I almost said I love you. Instead I said nothing and you said nothing.

18. Don’t be cranky like you are sometimes.

19. getting smaller and smaller like parentheses in parentheses…

20. I was so angry I knew it would boomerang someplace sometime soon.

21. Do it different like they tell you you are.

21. It’s why we broke up, Ed, a small thing that’s disappeared or maybe was never really in my hands in the first place.

22. Numbersign questionmark you and asterisk exclamationpoint the world.

23. There are so many movies like this, when you thought you were smarter than the screen but the director was smarter than you, of course…

24. I’m not a romantic, I’m a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I’m smart. I’m not something anyone should know. I’m a lunatic wandering around for scraps, I’m like every single miserable moron I’ve scorned and pretended I didn’t recognize. I’m all of them, every last ugly thing in a bad last-minute costume. I’m not different, not at all, not different from any other speck of a thing. I’m a blemished blemish, a ruined ruin, a stained wreck so failed I can’t see what I used to be.


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