(Day 16 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge)
I reached the point where I had stopped thinking about what ifs. I had them too many times before. They haunted me before I sleep. And every time I woke up in the morning, they immediately tries to creep up.
Before, I thought I could easily change everything. So I kept on entertaining as many what ifs as I could. But then I stopped. I can’t do that anymore.
There’s only one thing I considered as my what if:
What if I followed the course my heart wanted back in college, where would I be now?
I won’t deny the fact that it still crosses my mind every now and then.
To put it more clearly, I wanted to take up Mass Communication before. I wanted to be part of the media. I wanted to be able to talk in front of people:
But I got the feeling people around me didn’t approve of the thought because where would a mass communication graduate work in the province?
(Note: There were no local or provincial tv stations before.)
Another option I got was Fine Arts. I find painting and sketching effortless.
It’s like once I started doing something related to visual arts, my soul just keeps on pouring into it. Without filter. Without the idea of time, energy, and whatever we try to impose on ourselves. But then again, I still listened to people. Where would a fine arts graduate work in the province?
So I took up what my mom wanted. Teaching.
I was only doing it not even with half of my heart. I felt I was a robot. But I got one purpose back then–to graduate with honors. More specifically, to graduate as Magna Cum Laude.
Not that I was hungry with honors. But I wanted to maintain a streak. You see, I graduated as Valedictorian both in elementary and high school. I got a lot to prove.
(Note: That was my line of thinking before. I became mature now.)
And I was right. The Education course was something not so easy but I managed well. There were a lot of reporting. The professors wanted us to practice talking in front of people. That’s the job of a teacher anyway.
So after conquering the demo teaching which is what they consider the hardest part, I was announced to graduate as Magna Cum Laude. The sole graduate with high honors from our college.
Yes. It felt good. Satisfying to put it bluntly. But still after I graduated, after all the awards, medals, praises, and after the valediction speech I gave, there is still a missing part of me. My what ifs. My desire to pursue work behind or even on camera.
But that didn’t happened.
I managed to grab a job right after graduation. College instructor at STI, a known school in the country.
After two years, I was able to get a permanent position as Teacher I in the government.
And there, my what ifs ended.
Permanent. I realized by now that that is a big word in the corporate world. It made me even afraid to risk. To listen to my heart’s desire.
For now, I’m still looking for the satisfaction in my current job. I thank those students with sparks in their eyes–that innate love for learning which is hard to find these days.
But I’m trying.
I’m 24 years old now, and I had accepted a lot about life already. Especially things that I cannot change. Taming my reckless soul is something I can’t guarantee. It still silently whispers what my younger self wanted.
I’m trying to live without regrets, without what ifs.
I’m trying to accept who I am now and the things I cannot change.
It’s better to try than thinking of endless what if’s.