I didn’t know how to start this but just a while ago, I came across some lines in Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore. It says:
“Well, I don’t know what I am, either.”
“A classic existential crisis.”
But no. This is not about existential crisis. Or maybe a sort of. Let’s see.
It’s not existential crisis exactly because I think I know who I am. I know myself too well. That’s because I love introspection. Such a beautiful word.
Honestly, this is not a question about who I am but more of who I want to be.
This has been my question since I was in 4th year high school or even earlier than that. I was struck by a quote posted at a wall at the Guidance Office.
“A person without ambition is like a bird fying without direction.”
Something like that.
It pinched me. Hard. It made me question what I want to be in the future. At that time, I don’t know. I was graduating at the top of the class, but to be honest, I was one of those who are not aware of what to do with her life.
Fast Forward. I graduated in college. Still on top of the class. Still clueless of what to do with her life. Still doesn’t have a clear grasp of what she’s doing. It’s so pointless it’s not even funny.
Maybe the right term for it is fear of failure. That’s the problem when you don’t have major failures in life and you just keep on achieving, you reach a point when you’re afraid to fail. That’s the problem when you were put in a pedestal, you reach a point when you’re afraid to commit mistakes.
But who’s counting anyway?
And I’m still here.
There is still that flame, though dim, continuing to light my path…my heart. There is still that desire, though slowly vanishing, pushing me to believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I’m in.
It’s true that I’m not yet sure of what I want to do with life. It’s not that I don’t have any dream. It’s not that I don’t have any direction.
It’s just that there are many things I want to do.
I want to soar.
I want to roam.
I want to make the most out of this.
But for now, there are many responsibilities to do, whether I like them or not. It’s a fact that “adulting” is something we can’t run away from. We need to face it because life wouldn’t be complete without it.
Maybe, after all, life is all about balancing between what we need to do and what we want to do.
And we work damn hard to make them point to only one thing.
This classic crisis is not about identity or existence anymore.
It’s working to be who we are despite what the society dictates us.
People keep on telling us what should be and what should not.
I hope we’re strong enough to stick with who we are… what we want…and where we are going.
Because that’s what I know this life is all about.