Many thoughts keep on rummaging my head right now. And why in the world did I put rummaging and head in one sentence…now that’s another thing to think about. But I guess I reach another point when too much occupy my mind already that I need to spill some or else…they might explode into an endless ramshackle catastrophe… (Does that even make sense? Well, I don’t know.)
Here it goes…
Why am I even having existential questions at 3:00 in the afternoon? Why can’t it happen at 2:00 in the morning when everyone’s asleep? And not at 3:00 when in fact I need to prepare to be in an event I need to attend to as a normal person who I always try to be.
I often catch myself thinking about things that I’m not supposed to think of. Oops, not the f*** or s** words, you silly! (But hey, HOW YOU DOING? *Insert Joey Tribianni’s voice) Anywaaaaaay, What I mean, I keep on having random and unnecessary thoughts about life, death, and everything in between. And how routinary life can be. And how I had chosen a dead-end career that makes me fulfilled and not fulfilled at the same time. And how I cannot finish my thesis despite pushing my brain cells to work too much. And why it is so difficult for me and soooo easy on others. And why I am pouring my thoughts here instead of talking to someone in person. And why am I so single? And why can’t just the right one appear now–at this age–at this time of the year–or at least, at this lifetime? And why does it seem I’m the only one at my age who seems confused about things?
Well, to be fair, I know I’m not the only one. Don’t think that I’m this self-absorbed person who only thinks about herself. No, I’m not that. Thank you very much.
But lately, a major detail in my plot has been twisted
and here I am trying to figure out how to stand my ground that was shaken by that change. It’s like I had plan my whole life around that important “detail”. And the time it was gone…baam! I don’t know what to do.
I’m cofused. I’m trying to have something to look forward to but everything seems to be a blurr right now.
If only I could have friends I can hang out with at a nearby pub and talk about everything from nonsense to dinosaurs. No big deal. But I’m not living in New York, am I? And I think I’m just one of those people who stay in their homes at Friday night, drinking coffee, and watching Rachel Karen Green having her baby with her ex-boyfriend whom (by the looks of it) she’ll not end up with.
And yeah…this is depressing but NOT too depressing.
And I’m still clinging to the Great Perhaps though…
But if only, life, please, just some more real friends or just someone who is really concerned about me. (Gah! I’m becoming a needy person whom I’m trying not to be!) Being twenty-something is sooooo confusing I need another detail in this old boring story. Or else…I’ll be whining like an old maid whom I’m preparing myself to become.
God, (I know this is not a good way or a platform to talk to you, but…) please, just something to lighten up my gloomy existence.
Or just a stronger and braver heart to accept whatever life can throw and not throw at me. Thank you.